There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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