I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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