I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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