I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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