Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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