Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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