all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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