What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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