she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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