I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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