i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
