he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
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The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
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Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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