I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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