Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.