I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.