I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.