my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.