There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You smell like stripper and shame
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
