I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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