Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
