i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
