OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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