im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We don't watch enough power rangers
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
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