Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
