YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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