Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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