i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
