please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
