is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he told me I talked like a deaf person
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
whose ass print is on the piano?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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