Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
