if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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