I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
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every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
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I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.