Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
