i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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