I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
