Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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