I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail