My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
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I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
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He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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