I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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