Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I deserve this hangover.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
