worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
