hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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