Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Randomize
