Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
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All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
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He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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