Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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