Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
