Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
