mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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