You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
