i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
