my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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