I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
