So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
