when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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