I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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