I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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