So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
