Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
