She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
