my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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