i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The Olympian is in my bed
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
the raccoons are back...
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