I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
