well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
