I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
