hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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