someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
