Your face is a jimmy john
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
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After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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