I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
