my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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